So, the world has been crazy lately, and my own little bubble has been no exception. Death and illness in the family, and I found myself in the hospital for much of September – eventually needing major surgery… so so fun.
The path of recovery has been tough, to say the least. During my time in the hospital, I (my body) was literally more than decimated. Regaining my strength and stability in the wake of such a reality shaking experience – both physically and spiritually- has at times seemed impossible.
The reason I’m writing this, however, has little to do with the challenges of recovery except for contrast. Since my surgery, two main aspects of my life have been augmented.
The first thing is that I’ve come to value the support of my family more than I could have imagined before. I didn’t know how lucky I am to have so many people who care about me, and how beautiful those bonds are when nurtured.
The second thing is something that came out of the nights in the hospital that I couldn’t sleep from the pain I was in, and needed something to get me through as I was alone in those moments. I found that music has an incredibly powerful hold on me, and is very spiritually powerful to me. In my mind I would listen to music I loved or practice playing guitar, and that helped me get through the toughest hours.
My goal in sharing these details from my life is that it might serve as a remind to how much beauty life can hold, both during and despite those difficult moments.
Coming out of the hospital, playing guitar has been a lifeline for me. As someone who has been aptly described as “easily interested” I am certainly a Jack of many trades. Guitar has been something I’d wanted to learn to play for a while, but had a million reasons why not to try. At the core of the matter, I had serious apprehension about starting something when I wouldn’t be as good as I wanted to be at it until I put in serious time.
Well, I really did sound pretty rough on guitar for the first many, many months. I’m now coming up on my fourth year of playing, which is hard for me to believe. I finally am getting to where I can make some noise that I really enjoy, and I can’t put into words how great it feels. But this isn’t just about me and my passion (but I’m ecopsych on tiktok if you wanna see).
Talking about the beauty life can hold, I was really inspired by The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. They talk about finding your life’s work, and fulfilling your personal legend. How it can be scary, and how rewarding it is. ‘The Alchemist’ also showed me about the duality of life. Yes, there’s a beauty in chasing dreams and finding one’s personal legend, but it’s also okay to acknowledge the struggle, the pain, and the days when everything feels like an uphill battle. It’s about finding balance, accepting the hard truths, and still managing to see the specks of beauty amidst the chaos.
Living with anxiety, depression, and panic, I know all too well that life isn’t always a hopeful journey. There are days when the world feels overwhelming, when my thoughts are a storm I can’t escape. And yet, in the midst of this turmoil, I sometimes find pockets of peace – in my guitar, my terrariums, and in the simple act of creating something beautiful.
These moments are precious, not because they’re a cure but because they’re real. They’re a testament to the resilience of the human spirit, to the fact that even on the darkest days, there can be moments of beauty and fulfillment.
So, this post isn’t about painting a rosy picture of life. It’s about being honest – life can be tough, really tough. But it’s also about those moments, however fleeting, when we find something that makes the struggle a bit more bearable, a bit more meaningful.
As I continue on this journey, I want to share not just the highs, but also the lows, the realness of it all. Because that’s all life is – a mix of light and shadow, joy and pain, chaos and beauty.
Thank you for being a part of my journey, and for sharing in the real ( , ) chaotic version of my life.
